Samoosa Runs, Desi Women and The Pressure to Settle • The Muslim Women TImes

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“Boys” have much more time to expertise life earlier than they should turn out to be critical and accountable. That’s why the entire platter of “nice boys” on the market being introduced by the aunties simply makes it much more suspicious

There might be no statistical data to again up my declare however I’ve a concept. My concept is that each single Muslim woman – could also be of any ethnicity – however since I can solely converse for my group – each single desi Muslim woman has heard the phrase “but he’s a nice boy”. If you’re a desi girl of “marriageable age”, then sooner or later in your journey to discovering Mr Right, some aunty or your mum or an elder sister or perhaps even a buddy has come as much as you to inform you about this “nice boy”. Again, I’m talking from a Desi perspective however I’m fairly positive that the majority communities have that aunty. You know the one who is aware of what is occurring with everybody and in addition thinks this makes them certified sufficient to ask all of the actually private questions. Before we go on although, let me simply say I perceive these aunties (properly, form of). They come from a special time – a time when there was little details about ladies’s rights and the variations between tradition, custom and non secular obligations. It’s comprehensible but it surely doesn’t make it acceptable.

It doesn’t even matter if it’s in an organized samoosa run setting* or a extra informal setting. One of the aforementioned ladies will come as much as you and inform you about this aunt’s daughter’s neighbour’s son who they’ve heard is such a pleasant boy and advise you to offer him an opportunity. Or it may very well be an individual who isn’t thus far eliminated and the individual recommending them would possibly truly know the “boy” however nonetheless, the one promoting level of this individual is that they’re a pleasant boy and so they need to set you up on a samoosa run. A samoosa run or a Rishta is mainly a gathering between a girl and a person of “marriageable age” with their households current to be able to see if they’re an appropriate match. The politics of the samosa run may very well be a complete different piece however there’s no time for that proper now.

So again to the “nice boy”, sure good… That would be the solely data given to you as if that one phrase is an all-encompassing resume that may inform you the whole lot it’s essential know concerning the individual. No different data will probably be given apart from that one single phrase: good.

Sara Ahmed, The POC Therapist, as she’s mostly identified on social media explains why “nice” will not be sufficient. In the video, Ahmed defined that she too has heard the phrase: “he’s a nice guy, what more could you want?”. She says that “nice” will not be sufficient to make a relationship work – in any relationship. Ahmed says that everyone is good till they get triggered after which they’re not so good.

And isn’t that the entire subject – simply because the “nice boy” supposedly ticks off all of the packing containers, doesn’t imply they’re truly appreciated or will truly be appreciated. Assuming they’ve a very good job or they’re handsome (magnificence being within the eye of the beholder), or they’re no matter different qualities that tick the field. And once more that’s even assuming you get all or any of this data as a result of we all know that every one the data you will get is that they’re good. (insert chai ingesting sport each time “nice boy” is talked about) But going again to the purpose – even when they tick the entire packing containers, it nonetheless doesn’t imply something as a result of that’s not how relationships are constructed. You don’t turn out to be pals with somebody as a result of another person instructed you that the individual is good. So why is it anticipated that you’d select a lifetime companion as a result of somebody instructed you that they’re good? What about chemistry, compatibility, widespread values and life targets? There is a lot extra to constructing a relationship than the facade or image that an individual presents to the world. And truthful sufficient, you could possibly meet the individual and they might be all of these issues however already the beginning is off.

There’s one other dimension to this “nice boy” saga. It’s how they turn out to be extra persistent, the extra “on the shelf” a girl is taken into account. This thought of a “woman being on the shelf” or “past her shelf -date” is one thing I’ll describe utilizing a phrase I heard Dr Rania Awaad point out: It is cultural nonsense. Also for the love of all that’s good, can the patriarchy cease describing ladies utilizing meals phrases. But again to these extremely problematic phrases: it’s this nonsensical thought that after a girl passes the age of 21, 22 or 23, she’s too outdated. She’s missed her probability. “All the good boys” will probably be gone. And now what does she have to do? She must accept anybody. But no, don’t fear you don’t have to settle as a result of right here’s this “nice boy” – why would you need to proceed trying. He’s proper right here and he’s simply so good! You are already over the hill, why are you ready?! If you don’t snap up the “nice boy”, another person will. And then you can be left to actually accept the unhealthy choices.

Gross.

If you’ve been questioning why I’ve been utilizing citation marks across the phrase “boy”, it’s as a result of in lots of cultures, however particularly in Desi tradition, males usually get to be youthful for for much longer. Women are pressured to turn out to be adults a lot sooner (and I don’t imply in a organic sense) and tackle duties and be the bastions of perfection. “Boys” have much more time to expertise life earlier than they should turn out to be critical and accountable. That’s why the entire platter of “nice boys” on the market being introduced by the aunties simply makes it much more suspicious

The use of the phrase “nice” to explain this “boy” is similar factor as saying they pray 5 occasions a day or quick in Ramadan (if they’re in a position and wholesome) – it’s a naked minimal. Small apart however truly fairly associated: boys or males (as they need to truly extra precisely be described) appear to get off with doing the naked minimal in relation to observing Islam. Oh, he fasts. Oh, he prays 5 occasions a day! He has a job AND a automotive! What a winner. Yet it’s by no means requested whether or not he has targets, goals and ambitions. On the opposite hand, Muslim ladies are anticipated to be excellent. Pray 5 occasions a day, observe the foundations of hijab completely (despite the fact that there are guidelines of hijab for males as properly – shocker, proper?), by no means break the foundations and by no means step a foot out of line. This piece is concerning the “nice boy” but when we’re being completely sincere, no Muslim girl is allowed to only be the “nice girl”. It doesn’t work like that, does it?  

Should all of us not be good individuals or not less than attempt to be nicer? I don’t see the way it can turn out to be an individual’s whole persona. Furthermore, I’m wondering if these “boys” know (disgrace!) that their whole personalities, traits and selves are being decreased to a single phrase. They don’t get any additional id. Actually, greater than the disservice being completed to Muslim ladies by introducing them to those “nice boys”, I feel these good boys ought to be having a dialog with the individuals hyping them. Because they’re actually doing a horrible job at it. It could be inconceivable to completely clarify an individual’s persona and targets and goals and spirituality and the whole lot that makes them however actually, received’t it’s finest for everybody, if the phrase “nice” was simply retired. Let’s discover another phrases. I imply the English language does have a whole lot of hundreds of phrases. Nice itself in all probability has a whole lot of synonyms. Let’s change issues up and discover new methods of introducing potentials (if they really are viable choices).

More than that, I feel Muslim ladies ought to be allowed to need extra than simply the “nice boy”. Muslim ladies are out right here doing the entire issues – whether or not it’s professionally, spiritually and even private progress and improvement. Muslim ladies ought to have the ability to be launched and be allowed to decide on companions who’re suitable with them, who they’ve chemistry with, who they share worth methods with and even shared life and profession targets. Nice is simply not going to chop it anymore.

*Samoosa Run Setting: This is mainly when a boy is on the lookout for a woman and his mom takes him to see women and samosas are often served.

Fatima Moosa is a journalist and author who doesn’t have all of the solutions however loves being on the journey to discovering a few of them.


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