On Accountability and the Politics of “Keeping the Peace” in a Relationship • The Muslim Women TImes


Maybe it’s excessive time girls additionally raised the bar on what peace means to them in a relationship.

A number of days in the past, whereas scrolling by means of my Twitter feed, I got here throughout a dialog that caught my eye. Someone had posed the query, “What exactly does it mean when people say that marriage is hard work?” Isn’t love itself presupposed to be the best, most pure factor on this planet? One reply that I might resonate with, was from a tweet that stated “if marriage is a pleasing easy dream, you might be profiting from your accomplice, and if it’s a ceaseless unforgiving toil, perhaps your accomplice’s profiting from you. ‘Work’ in marriage is the eustress of calling one another in your bullshit and rising higher collectively“.

This definition put issues in perspective for me, as a result of if marriage is a mattress of roses, then it’s a mattress of roses with thorns. The fixed arguments or conflicts aren’t normally as a result of the {couples} don’t love one another. It’s as a result of they need to see one another develop into higher for the collective good.

Just yesterday, somebody despatched me a Twitter screenshot with a quote that stated “men will rather settle where they find peace than settle where they find beauty, money or status”. This received me reflecting on what it actually means to be a person’s peace. Seeing because the conversations round “peace” in marriage are a bit one-sided, one can’t however marvel what being peaceable means. Does it imply a girl who’s at all times agreeable? Does it imply a girl who by no means complains? somebody who smiles each time and by no means has a purpose to be damage? A lady who will at all times tolerate what she will be able to’t dish out? There seems to be a protracted listing of issues that make girls “unpeaceful” and I’ll have to interrupt it down.

Calling for Accountability

Men view themselves because the prize in each lady’s life. Society raised them to consider themselves in that approach; to behave with out accountability. Thus, when a girl requires accountability, she is certainly calling for warfare. She is threatening their sense of safety. The alarm bells of their heads give out a pink sign, “How dare she complain?” “How dare she question me?”. Because they normally get away with every part they do, they interpret any name for accountability as an act of warfare.

On the opposite hand, society taught girls that “men will always be men”, and what this implies is that girls ought to at all times excuse the actions of males as simply “men being men”. This act of waiving such misdeeds and never holding them to a better customary is the act of being peaceable.

Countering Oppression

Keeping the peace” in marriage seems to be a part of a girl’s many duties. This entails breaking her again for the consolation of her partner, not getting indignant when she is wronged and never calling for a change in areas the place he doesn’t meet her wants. Women are anticipated to place their spouses above themselves, endure each act of annoyance and act cheerful on a regular basis.

When a girl calls out unacceptable behaviour or stands as much as a person’s oppression, she ceases to develop into a “good woman”. She turns into troublesome, rebellious and a menace to a person’s peace. She is anticipated to bend, to be accommodating to a person’s excesses, to be “humble”. And when she acts in any other case, then she has failed in conserving the peace.

Expressing Needs

Because males are taught to view marriage as a transaction the place girls are chargeable for catering to all their wants, the idea of assembly girls’s bodily, emotional and psychological wants is overseas to them. Men will discover “peace” in girls who ask for little or nothing. But when a girl continually talks about her wants in a relationship, she turns into unpeaceful. How usually have we heard the phrase “a woman who asks for nothing deserves everything”? Yet, how usually have girls who ask for nothing been given every part?

In brief, marrying a peaceable lady means marrying a girl who provides them the licence to do as they please. The politics of “keeping the peace” in a relationship implies that the burden of creating a wedding work lies solely on the lady, with little to no accountability on the a part of males. It actually helps to debate what the idea of peace means with a possible accomplice earlier than heading right into a dedicated relationship with them. Or perhaps it’s excessive time girls additionally raised the bar on what peace means to them in a relationship.

Aqilah-Layla Bashir is a skincare entrepreneur and social justice activist.


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